


Drowning

by excusemymind



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: Angst, M/M, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-02
Updated: 2016-07-02
Packaged: 2018-07-19 17:01:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,494
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7370221
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/excusemymind/pseuds/excusemymind
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Adore is on the stage singing and the song fits every part of her life now as she watches her heart being broken.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Drowning

**Author's Note:**

> This fanfic is based on an episode from Courtney Chronicles, where they are in Sydney for Mardi Gras. I believe it is the first sad one I wrote and still is one of my favorites. If you liked this fanfic or another one let me know! Till next Sunday. xx

They were in Sydney for Mardi Gras and Adore was doing a show with her band the day before. Courtney and Bianca were in the backstage, enjoying their friend’s show.

Adore hadn’t told anyone about how she was feeling, like if she doesn’t speak out loud it wouldn’t be truth. And who would she talk to? Courtney and Bianca are her best friends and it make everything worse because she couldn’t count on them. Bianca and Courtney were becoming really close, acting almost like a couple, maybe they were but Adore hadn’t seen anything yet, and she doesn’t want to.

Having to deal with all of this by herself was driving Adore crazy. She can’t tell Bianca she’s in love with her and she also can’t talk to Courtney she’s in love with the person that Courtney is involved with. It’s the worst situation she had ever been in. She walked on the stage with all these thoughts but tried to avoid everything for now, she will forget anything as the show goes on and she feels the crowd, all that adrenaline is what she needs.

Adore saw them together at the vip area, jumping and waving at her, and for a second, she had forgot all her suffering, she smiled to them. She brought some couples on the stage to celebrate the free love, her little rock show was making her feel better.

On her last song, she was renovated, full of happiness and with an empty head. A move on the left side caught her sight, and like a punch in her stomach, there it was. The confirmation she didn’t want and the inside breakdown she was avoiding. Courtney and Bianca kissing, not like it was the first time, not like it would be the last. She turned her head back quickly, hoping anybody haven’t notice her freeze for a couple of seconds. She’s feeling like she is going to throw up, but she smiles at her audience, thanks them and says goodbye.

Holding everything as much as she can, she walks backstage but she stops when she remembers they will be there waiting for her, and their faces are the last thing she wants to see right now. She goes to the bathroom and walks around saying “fuck” one hundred times, thinking about what to do, how she was foolish, how she is fucked up. The battle in her head wins, and she sits down on the floor crying, hugging her knees and hiding her face, wishing she could disappear.

She hear some voices becoming closer and she enters in a stall, cleaning her tears and tries to put herself together. She couldn’t stay in the bathroom forever, the faster she faced them, the faster she could create some apologize and go to her hotel room. The mirror reflects that her makeup is now all messy, she washes her face and breathes deep, to find courage to hold on a bit more. She changes her mind and goes to the bar first, asking for three shots of whatever is the strongest drink they have. She takes them and goes backstage.

“Where have you been? I thought you had gone without telling us.” Courtney says as Adore comes in. She was sitting on the couch with her legs over Bianca’s lap and talking close, smiling. Another punch in the stomach.

Adore just smile and start grabbing her things to leave.

“Hey, are you alright?” Bianca asks, a little worried with Adore’s silence.

“Yeah,” Adore says avoiding to look at their direction, using her wig to cover her face as well. “I’m going to my hotel, I need some sleep.”

Someone walks in and Adore stops when she listens to the music that is playing. She thought it couldn’t get worse, she was wrong. There was Dancing On My Own playing as she was mere feet away from her own version of the song. She closes her eyes and turn around to leave when she feels her arm being hold, she looks back and it’s Bianca. A tear fall from her eyes, running through her face. 

“I’m fine.” Adore said and got rid of Bianca’s hand, grabbing a bottle of vodka and leaving.

Adore threw everything on the floor as soon as she walked into her hotel room, walking to the bed while she opens the bottle of vodka in her hand.

She drinks it from the bottle and coughs when the liquor hits her mouth, she closes her eyes and ignores the burning feeling in her throat as she takes a long sip. Adore pulls her wig off and take her shoes with her feet, laying on the bed.

And it slowly comes to her, all over again. She grabs a pillow and put her head on it, screaming her pain away and the tears come a few seconds later. She needs something louder than her thoughts, she needs music. She stands up and look for her phone, putting the saddest song on, as loud as her phone allows, and she sings along, kinda walking around while doing it, kinda dancing drunkily.

The music stops and it’s Bianca calling.

“Fuck you, don’t fucking stop my music.” Adore says as she ignores the call and starts singing again, taking another big sip.

Laying on the bed half bottle later, Adore couldn’t listen to what was playing, she was feeling her head floating. She couldn’t feel anything, her head was finally empty, just a blank blurry space. She was feeling no pain. And there’s a knock on the door.

She didn’t even moved, she was going to pretend she was sleeping or there wasn’t no one there.

“I can hear the music, open it up.”

Fuck. She trailed herself off the bed to open the door. It was Bianca.

“Why you didn’t answer my call? I’m worried about you, what happened?” Bianca asked when she saw the messy Adore.

“Nothing. Nothing! Everything is perfect!” Adore says moving her arms up and smiling, Bianca inhaled the scent of alcohol.

“Clearly is not. What’s the matter?” Bianca says, pulling Adore in and walking into the bedroom, closing the door behind her.

“Just… Leave me alone.” Adore says, sitting on the bed, putting her head on her hands and holding the tears that were wanting to drop out.

“You can tell me anything, I’m your sister.” Bianca says, sitting next to her and petting her.

This made Adore’s stomach turn, and she gets rid of Bianca’s touch.

“You are NOT my sister!” Adore says and stands up, walking far away.

“Why are you treating me like this?” Bianca is feeling hurt, she tries to think on everything that could make Adore sad like this.

“I’m sorry if I’m not polished, fishy, or blond enough for you.” Adore says with a smirk, grabbing her bottle and drinking again.

“What?” Bianca is more confused than before.

“You don’t get it, do you?” Adore says standing in front on Bianca. “It’s on your face and you still can’t see it… God, I’m so dumb.”

Bianca opens her mouth and Adore raises a finger, stopping her.

“I saw you and Courtney tonight, kissing. And I really wish I could say that I’m happy for you, but I am not. Actually it’s burning me inside, because I wish I was her. I wish you were kissing me. I’m in love with you and you’re killing me. I couldn’t tell anyone, could I? Do you know how many times I thought it was just something in my head, that it would fade it away? It didn’t. I love you. And it’s not like a sister.” The words came out from Adore’s mouth so quick and the tears followed, and she could feel a relief after saying it all. It was done.

Bianca was looking to her, without blink, static.

“Adore…” Bianca says and puts her head down, she didn’t want to hurt Adore.

“Pathetic, right?” Adore says, forcing a smile and cleaning the tears on her face.

“Look, I love you” Bianca says standing up, holding Adore’s arms. “But not the way you want me to… I’m really sorry, I don’t want to hurt you. I’m always gonna be there for you, I’ll always take care of you, you’re like my little sister”

Adore has her face down and tries to push Bianca away but she hugs her. Bianca holds Adore strong, closer, and she feel her body shaking, Adore pushing her away as she cries. Bianca keeps hugging her until she stops fighting, and then crying. When Bianca thinks it’s safe, she steps back and looks to Adore.

“Please, leave.” Adore says, facing the ground.

Bianca breathes deep and kisses her forehead before leaving. Adore is in the same position.

She walks slowly until her nightstand, grabbing a vase with flowers, turning around and throwing it against the wall with all the energy left on her body, followed by a loud “fuck”.


End file.
